When I began to lead worship, it was an outflow of my heart—a deep desire to express honor and thanks to God for who He is and what He’s done for me. As pure as my heart may have been, I was still very human and flawed. I was actually very moody and my moods could swing fast. My close friends and bandmates never knew which Tom they would be dealing with and had started to tiptoe around me. They lovingly confronted me about it and that eventually led me to realize that I had my own issues and dysfunctions, and I began working on them. When a mirror is held up to us (which is what happens in close relationships) we can dismiss and ignore it, or deal with it honestly—even if it’s uncomfortable.
Every church has a leadership structure that sets the tone and context within which we operate. As team members and worship leaders we enter that context and often have no control of it. What we can control is our own actions, attitudes and choices. We can do our best, but even that may not change some of the difficulties and dysfunctions that exist in our church family. God is only interested in our individual response to Him in a difficult situation, not how our response compares with another’s.
Recently a guy asked my advice on dealing with a team member’s horrible attitude. He described him as very talented and someone they needed on their team. But he had an attitude of entitlement and did what he wanted, despite how it affected the team. He went on to describe the leadership: the worship leader was related to the pastor, who had a total mercy heart and would not confront the bad behavior. The team became increasingly frustrated, the leader wouldn’t deal with the problem, and the guy didn’t know what to do. The situation may change, but whatever the problem, we can choose to respond rightly and in a healthy way, regardless of what others do.
Some of the dysfunction we experience stems from unhealthy or unspoken expectations. I’m a proponent of building teams and programs around what best suits the lives of those you intend to involve, as opposed to something that’s unrealistic or a burden on others. It’s one thing to have a vision and plan for doing great things, but we don’t need to run people into the ground while accomplishing that vision. What some programs require of volunteers is amazing, but it can lead to a wake of burned-out people. That said, it’s not bad to ask volunteers to commit to something that requires a lot of them—just be clear about those expectations up front. If everyone understands what’s required and opts in, we have a reference point to come back to as problems arise.
If you have an issue that keeps you up at night and makes it difficult for you to be in the right frame of mind and heart in worship, I do encourage facing it. Good communication saves a lot of messes. Over-communication is a good habit to practice. My natural instinct is to just expect people to get it by osmosis. I’d rather not remind or suggest things to people. I also have a mercy heart and confrontation is hard for me. I have come across as angry at times, and the effect was opposite of what I intended. So I’ve worked on taking my time to be in the right posture before confronting people. Timing and tact are everything! Simply avoiding difficult situations won’t make them go away, and passive-aggressive behavior only prolongs the inevitable. If we don’t deal with problems or problem people, then the situation can become even worse.
The simplest steps can sometimes lead to unraveling core issues with people. Grace and humility disarm and can defuse volatile situations. If we’ve prayed about it and feel we need to speak with someone, let’s do it gracefully with love—not out of anger or bitterness.
The hardest truth I’ve ever had to learn and practice is this: no matter how mistreated, misunderstood, or misjudged I’ve been, the only godly and right response is forgiveness. If I’m motivated by anything other than humility I’m out of line, because I’m entitled to nothing. We owe others grace, mercy and truth in love.
Originally published in Worship Musician Magazine (Nov/Dec 14)
